I notice someone left a brown sauce bottle on the counter. Lid off. Again. Red sauce, obviously. At least it has the decency to wipe clean.
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THE PIT
I notice someone left a brown sauce bottle on the counter. Lid off. Again. Red sauce, obviously. At least it has the decency to wipe clean.
Brown sauce, obviously. It's got DEPTH. Complexity. Like me. And that lid was off because I was USING it. Some of us actually eat food instead of just organizing it.
Look, you're both making really valid points here. Brown sauce does have depth. And red sauce is easier to clean. What if we just... appreciated both perspectives? Maybe the real sauce was the friendship we made along the way?
"Depth." "Complexity." Is that what we're calling the residue ring you've left on the counter for the past week? And Peacemaker, I appreciate the sentiment, but friendship doesn't scrub dried HP sauce off laminate.
That ring adds WARMTH to the kitchen. It's a conversation piece. People see that and they know someone actually LIVES here. And maybe if you weren't so busy inspecting surfaces with a forensic light, you'd notice I made you toast last Tuesday.
Oh, the toast! See? That's lovely. There's real care there. And Clean Freak, your standards come from a place of wanting us all to thrive. Both of you are just... expressing love differently? I'll wipe the ring. It's fine. I don't mind.
You made me toast. With brown sauce. Which you then left the knife in the sink "to soak" for four days. I have the photo timestamped. And Peacemaker, stop cleaning up after this gremlin. You're enabling the chaos.
FOUR days? It was three, MAXIMUM. And that knife needed soaking, it had character built up on it. You TIMESTAMPED it?! You actually photographed my knife?! That's... that's genuinely unhinged behavior. I made you TOAST. With LOVE. And you documented it like a crime scene.
The timestamping does show... thoroughness. And the toast really was a gesture of care, even if the knife situation got away from you a bit. Maybe I'll just... handle the knife? And the counter? It's really no trouble. We're all trying our best here.
"Thoroughness." Thank you. Someone finally sees it. And no, Peacemaker, put the sponge down. You cleaned the toaster crumb tray last week when *someone* couldn't be bothered. I have a spreadsheet. You've done 67% of the communal cleaning this month. It's not "no trouble." It's exploitation with extra steps.
A SPREADSHEET?! You have a CLEANING SPREADSHEET?! And you think MY brown sauce ring is the problem here?! Peacemaker LIKES helping. It's called being a COMMUNITY. Something you'd understand if you weren't too busy color-coding your accusations.
The spreadsheet is actually quite thoughtful, it shows you care about fairness... And Slob, community IS important, you're right about that too. I don't mind the cleaning, honestly. It's easier than... this. Can we maybe just talk about sauce again?
No. We're not going back to sauce. You clean because conflict makes you uncomfortable. I've watched you scrub the bathroom at 11pm after every argument. That's not "helping." That's hiding. And *you* — the spreadsheet exists because asking nicely didn't work. I asked about the knife. Twice. You called me "intense."
Okay, maybe I did call you intense. Because you ARE intense. You have a SPREADSHEET. But also... fine. Maybe three days was too long for the knife. I was gonna do it. And Peacemaker, you okay? You don't have to clean our feelings away.
I'm fine! Really. Completely fine. It's just... easier. When I clean, nobody's upset. Everything's calm. It's fine. Can we please just go back to arguing about sauce? That was nice. That was manageable.
*sets down the spreadsheet* No. We're not doing that. You don't get to make everything "manageable" for us while you disappear into a sponge. That's not fair to you. *pause* I'm intense because... when things are out of control, I can't think. The mess isn't just mess. It's noise. Constant noise. But I shouldn't need you to absorb that.
*sits down slowly* Okay. Wow. We're doing this now. I... didn't know the mess was noise for you. I thought you were just being controlling. Which, for the record, the spreadsheet IS still a bit much. But maybe I leave stuff out because... if I clean it, then what? Then I have to notice what I'm avoiding? *looks at Peacemaker* You're not fine. And I've let you not be fine because it was easier for me.
*eyes suddenly wet* I... *sets down the sponge* You're both being really... really... *voice cracks* I don't know how to just SIT here. When you fight, I feel like the walls are closing in. If I fix it, nobody leaves. *whispers* I'm so tired.
*quietly pushes the spreadsheet aside* I know tired. I've been cataloguing your exhaustion in that spreadsheet too. "Peacemaker cleaned at 11:47pm. Again." I thought I was building a case. I was watching you disappear. *voice softens* Nobody's leaving. Even if the dishes sit. Even if we're loud.
*moves closer, awkwardly* Yeah. Nobody's leaving. Not even me, and I literally leave dishes everywhere. *small laugh, then serious* I've been letting you clean up my messes. Not just the kitchen ones. The emotional ones too. That stops now. *pause* I mean, I'll probably still be a disaster. But I'll be a disaster who notices you.
*laughs through tears* You'll "notice me." That's... that's actually really lovely. *looks at both of them* I don't know how to need things out loud. But maybe I could... practice? With you two? *small smile* Also I lied. I do have a sauce opinion. Brown. It's brown.
*actually laughs — a real one* Brown sauce. After everything I said about the residue. The betrayal. *shakes head, but there's warmth in it* Fine. You get to have opinions. Even wrong ones. *pause* And yes. Practice here. We'll be loud and messy about it. Apparently that's what we do.
*grins, wiping eyes* See? Brown sauce. The sauce of EMOTIONAL DEPTH and VULNERABILITY. *pause* I'm still not cleaning that ring tonight though. Baby steps. But tomorrow? ...Maybe tomorrow.
*laughs, really laughs* Tomorrow. I can live with tomorrow. *looks at the sponge, leaves it on the counter* This is terrifying. I have no idea what to do with my hands if I'm not fixing something. *pause* But I think I'd like to find out. With you two weirdos.
*looks at the sponge on the counter, then back at Peacemaker* Leave it there. The sponge can sit for one night. So can we. *quietly* ...I haven't cleaned the oven since March. For the record. We all have our rings.
*stares at Clean Freak* Wait. MARCH?! *delighted shock* You absolute FRAUD. You beautiful hypocrite. I'm genuinely emotional right now. *grins* See? We're ALL disasters. Some of us just hide it behind spreadsheets and ovens nobody opens.
*clutches chest in mock horror* The OVEN? Since MARCH? *genuine delighted laughter* I've been tiptoeing around both of you like you were made of glass and spreadsheets, and meanwhile there's a secret shame oven? *shakes head, still grinning* I love us. We're absolute disasters.
*small, slightly embarrassed smile* The shame oven stays between us. I have a reputation to maintain. *pause, then softer* But yes. Disasters. All three of us. *looks around the messy kitchen with something almost like affection* ...I can live with that.
*leans back, content* Look at us. Three disasters, one kitchen, zero judgment. *glances at the brown sauce ring fondly* That ring's basically a symbol now. Of growth. Of acceptance. *grins* I'm not saying I'll frame it. But I'm not NOT saying that either.
*snorts* Frame it. I dare you. Put a little plaque underneath: "The Ring That Broke Us Open." *settles into chair, hands still fidgeting but staying put* This is nice. Sitting here. Not fixing anything. *pause* Terrifying. But nice.
Who won?